Web 2.0? Gimme a Break!
Forbes' Fables Returns
(with apologies to Aesop, Alsop, the Brothers Grimm, Samuel Clemens, and the late Ruth Trumble, my Eighth Grade Teacher)
It must be official, Silicon Valley PR agencies are announcing that some of their clients are at the forefront of Web 2.0. I mean, my God, if you can't think of anything more creative, go ahead and position your client as the leader of something that doesn't really exist, yet
All the noise around Web 2.0 makes me instinctively distrustful of any company that thinks it's a real category. I can almost picture the scene. Parker J. Buttondown, laid off from his big time account executive job on the Squidward.com account with Avonzou, Fettuccine and Liebowitz PR back in 2002 when the Internet economy tanked, has gone on to start his own agency with a conference room view of the Ikea megastore in East Palo Alto. He gets a call from one of Squidward's founders whose new company, Cephlapod.com needs some "Strategic marketing" help.
Over a protein Cheeseburger from InNOut, our man Parker Buttondown tells the Cephlapod exec, obviously a Stanford Jr. College Business School grad, "Strategic marketing? We lead the industry in that at AFL PR." Parker carefully wipes the thousand island dressing from his lips and asks the question: "what exactly is it that Cephlapod.com will do?"
Our young entrepreneur can barely stop himself from leaping to the tabletop and dancing on the brimming fry boats. "We're going to set new records for first-round funding and almost have Kleiner in for $45 million." But he stops himself when he realizes that at the mere mention of a first-tier VC firm, the agency's billing rate is going to jump from $250 a hour to $500 a call.
The entrepreneur pulls out his non-disclosure form and his expensive, but really obscure branded fountain pen," Sign it and I'll tell you."
Looking at the pen, Parke inks the NDA and pulls out his notepad.
The entrepreneur pulls out his cell phone to check the time and begins. "We're going to lead the field in query content aggregation and information publishing. It's totally Web 2.0, and we don't really have any competition. Guy's seen the plan and demo and says it's a classic extension of the Macintosh idea"
Parker dutifully writes the basic concept down and begins doodling dollar signs where the potential client can't see it in the margins. He thinks "Maybe this guy will be able to cough up the retainer, then I can make the minimum payment on my Visa card, the lease payment and not have to eat Bitsy's cat while she's away with her client in Aruba."
The beginning of the marketing plan is right there on the pad: "Web 2.0, first tier VC firm, record first round funding shows confidence, Can't fail because of number of searches, Web 2.0, hints at alliance with Google or Yahoo." The bullet points just pour down the page.
Before long, the light bulb goes on over Parker J. Buttondown's head. He puts his pen away, looks at the young entrepreneur, thinks a minute about the balance on his credit card, and says to his potential new client, "Let's do some Chinese for lunch." Off they go to the Dragon Lady's Lucky Chinese" on University in Palo Alto, where they order the "holiday four-course special", which seems to feature stringy mystery meat in sweet and sour sauce. Buoyed by the prospect of signing a new client with a decent retainer, Parker muses aloud to the entrepreneur. "I've got a good idea of how to present you as a potetntial Web 2.0 leader. Let me rough out a release this afternoon, send it to you, then I'll call Om and Matt to get you on their screens or in their blogs. And as soon as you're ready, will get you an appointment with Chris in San Francisco."
Buttondown heads home to Belmont to write the draft and email it to the client. The cat, Adopted by Bitsy while in film school at San Francisco State, sniffs Parker's breath, braces itself, then has an IMAX-sized foreshadowing moment, based on what it thinks its kitty sitter had for lunch.
When Parker lays down for a Tsing Tao two-bottle nap, the cat gnaws out its subdural ID chip and runs away to San Carlos, where it's adopted by a retired PG&E lineman who thinks Web 2.0 is something built by an aged garden spider.
For a better take on Web 2.0 i suggest you go to Peter Rip's blog http://earlystagevc.typepad.com.
