ForbesOnTech

Counting Down the Hours to that Damned Invasive Procedure--Then off to the Fair

Later this morning I go into my health provider for yet another “fantastic voyage” as part of their overall campaign to help me get healthier and become aware of how my body parts are holding up to the wear and tear of my somewhat spastic but active lifestyle.

            At the moment, I’m hungrier than a coyote enforced to live warily on the outskirts of the Donner cabin in the Sierra. Coffee and bland
Jell-O just doesn’t cut it for breakfast. I’m also nervous. But the good news is: just two more intrusions and it’s done. That’s just great. The better news is that after this is all done, I’m going to the LA County Fair to indulge in my secret vices of betting on large horses that have almost now chance of ever winning a race, and kicking tires of new tractors in the farm implements exhibits.

            I have an unusual horse racing routine I practice at the LA County Fair.  I park my friends and picnic lunch under a tree well beyond the turn into the backstretch.  I enjoy my kosher hot dog, slurp my fresh-squeezed icy lemonade and wait for the starter’s gates to clang open.  Then I lie down on the grass near the fence and put my ear to the ground and listen for the thunder as the horses come on around*. It’s then that I know I’m back in Pomona at the County Fair**.

            It will be then that I realize my day of indignity at the gentle hands of my health provider are done.  It could be worse. I could be my dog. “Sr. Perro” who’s been forced to have several exams this week. I’m so glad I don’t come from a species that scent marked its territories using anal glands. I feel more for the indignity of Sr. Perro than I do for myself.

            But hey, someone has to be the pack alpha here on my little mountaintop in rural northern San Diego County. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it—Jim Forbes on 09/14/2007 on my way to Kaiser for my doc's version of "a fantastic voyage.". Yeow!!!!

* and ** both inspired by and copied from folk rock pioneer John Stewart's album, California Blood Lines.

A 30-day Reprieve--Thank God!

Well my health provider just called with disturbing news.  They cancelled my butt-clenching feared sigmoidoscopy procedure scheduled for tomorrow and set it back 30 days.

Dear me, 30 days of staring at the bottle of super colonic evacuating Calcium citrate solution now chilling in my coolerator, just watiing for that "special" day in September.

A big sigh of relief and I can now relax my buns. --Jim Forbes 08/13/2007

Procedures that Build Buns of Steel-- Think "Sigmoidoscopy"

Know the one word that can instantly cause you to lose interest in blogging and turn your buttocks lightning quick into “buns of steel?”

            Try “sigmoidoscopy!” 

            There, I said it. Unfortunately I don’t feel better for it. I just feel buttocks- cringingly apprehensive about it.

            I begin prepping for the dastardly deed this evening with sundry potions guaranteed to create a ziggurat of colonic filth, leave me weak and which allows me to only eat disgusting substances such as bland white yogurt and maybe some banana.

            Wow! I feel so special. And of course void. But then the bastards have a dastardly plan to violate me.

            They may take my dignity, but they can’t take my sense of humor.  To wit the t-Shirt I just printed up:“I lost my dignity at Kaiser San Marcos on Aug 14.”

            I hope it makes the docs laugh. Hee hee—Jim Forbes on Aug 13/2007.