ForbesOnTech

Things I Learned as my Mom's Caretaker

 

picture above is of Lois Sele Forbes during the war years. photo taken at the Gordon avocado ranch in Azusa,CA

My 94 year old mother moved out of her body three years ago this week.For the last last six years of her life, My mother lived with me here in Escondido.

Looking back, there are things I learned about taking care of an elderly parent that weren’t very obvious when I became a caretaker.

In no particular order they are:

Keep your parent involved in her family , even if you need to fly  grandchildren in  for extended visits. My mom would get all sparkly when one of the kids was here.

In the process of  ferrying grand kids to and from visits. I became a repository of family information an various anecdotes. Although she’s been gone three years, I still get questions.”DidNana really ride a stage to school in Azusa from the cabin in the canyon?”

“Well yes, boys and girls she really did, but the stage was never once held up by highwaymen or attacked by native tribes.”

Lois and Catzilla aka "Dan"

It's questions like these that make me smile when I think about my mother.She was loud, colorful and incredibly giving. And some of her grand kids were incredibly gullible and had active imaginations.

I also tried to keep my mother engaged in life, which became hard to do after her second broken hip.One way I did this was in the kitchen preparing food she liked.I was rfecently asked by Uncle Richard Sele, if “I knew why his mother’s and sister’s biscuits were sweet?”.

I too remember my mother’s cathead biscuits as being sweet, so I cracked open her Betty Crocker and looked at the hand printed recipes she’d attached to her cook book. the answer is “She used several teaspoons of sorghum as a sweetening agent."

My mom grew up in the small town of Azusa, CA at the height of the Southern California Citrus boom.and Escondido still has citrus and avocado orchards. So about once a week I’d take my mother out for drive, buy some oranges at a local produce stand and have a picnic in a park or at a nearby lake.

I tried to stay unobtrusively involved in my mom’s health.I’d take her to doctor’s appointments and ask her doc any questions I may have had about her  health related issues. I learned a lot by going with my mom to see her doctor. And  if you’re taking care of an elderly parent this may be one of the most important things you can do.

I learned another important lesson about being a caretaker.It’s an incredibly tiring job. In all the time she lived with me I was only able to get away two times. If I had it to do all over again, I’d bring one my relatives down and have them be her caretaker while I went on a one or two-week vacation.

My mom remained mentally very sharp until the last week of her life. but in late spring of 2012 she fell and broke a hip. My mom would not actively participate in physical therapy and I knew that the consequences of her decision would be fatal. About two weeks before she passed, she asked “Jimmy, am I dying?”

I took a big gulp of air and said “that’s up to G*d and you, but don’t give up yet. She never brought it up again.

however, one week before she passed, she asked meto pack a suitcase with hose, her SAAS shoes, undergarments, her silk blouse and a pair of pressed pants She said, I’m going on a trip.”

In an instant I knew she was aware she was close to death.

the call from the nursing home came at 6 AM on a Sunday, the charge nurse told me” there’s been a change in your mother’s condition,”And so after 94 years, almost all of which had been spent in the backwater town of Azusa, CA,Billie Lars Sele moved out of her body

When I got to the nursing home, My mother was dressed in the clothes she had asked me to pack I kissed her farewell and sent her on.

Several weeks later my family went up Azusa Canyon in a small caravan with family members laughing and sharing sharing their favorite “nana” stories.

We stopped by the side of the East Fork and I scattered her ashes about 10 yards up stream from the site of the cabin where she had been raised.

 

My mom was pretty clear about her last wishes, and I felt pound to take her home.

I’m not maudlin about her life, although I’ve been unable to write for the last three weeks.

So mom , thanks for the chance to break the block with 776 words, everyone of which was inspired by you. --Lois Sele Forbes’ Son--Jim Forbes on October 11, 2015

Azusa Pioneering Woman, Lois Sele Forbes Brokus (1918 to 2012) Passes.

Lois Sele Forbes (1918-2012) RIP. Pictured with her youngest great grand child, Morgan Smith, then an infant but now 12-- and expanding the family trout fishing tradition to Oregon .

Lois Sele Forbes Brokus, longtime resident of Azusa, CA has died.
Lois was 94 and passed away in her sleep in a nursing home in Escondido, CA.

Lois Sele Forbes Brokus was born in 1918 in Nowatta OK, but
moved to Azusa and the East Fork of San Gabriel Canyon as an infant. She grew
up in Azusa and was a 1936 graduate of Citrus High School.

She had three children: Charles William Forbes, Upland, CA,
James Mont Forbes, Escondido, CA and Gayle Susan Forbes who passed away in 1978.
Sons Chuck Forbes and Jim Forbes survive her as does her brother, Richard “Dick”
Sele of Omak, Washington She had five grandchildren: Mike Forbes of Orlando,
FL, Christian Smith of Whittier, CA, Sean Forbes, Monrovia, CA, Brandon Smith of
Woodburn, OR and Amanda Forbes of Arlington, TX. Great grandchildren include: Cole
Forbes, Chandler Forbes, Kennedy Forbes, MeKenna Smith and Morgan Smith

Lois raised all of her children in Azusa but moved to
Escondido in 2008. Throughout her life she remained deeply connected to Azusa
Canyon, where she lived as a child at the site of present day Camp Williams.
She was one of a handful of long time Azusa residents who attended Azusa’s
first elementary school, the Lee School. She was a lifetime member of the PTA
in Azusa.

No services are scheduled and her sons will return her
remains to her beloved East Fork.—Jim Forbes, Escondido, CA on 10/07/2012.

Caring for an Elderly Parent, Dealing With Ma's Broken Hip

I am one of the legions of baby boomers who moved an elderly
parent in their home. There’s a lot to be said about having my mother in my
house.

Right up front, I enjoy the companionship of someone who grew up in
rural CA and who can instantly solve difficult to answer questions like “What
did I do wrong ‘with this pie crust, mom”’

You didn;t use ice water, right?” she says.

Ice water? Well they didn’t teach that in man camp, damnit!,

Or my periennial favorite”What temp do I cook a turkey?
“look it up in Betty Crocker”

Until recently My 94 year old mother, has always made me
laugh.

But Mom is slowing down and three weeks ago she broke her
hip and was down for about 20 minutes before I found her on the floor.

I know, “bad son, very bad son.”

So for the last three weeks, I’ve been engaged in twice
daily round robin trips to visit Mom in the hospital and to face the sobering
reality of invoking an advanced medical directive.

Total buzz kill, right?

Not really.

Because of my mom’s advanced age, I’ve been prepared fo the otherwise
solemn invocation of mom’s mother’s advanced medical directive for several
years. She and I have discussed it and I know exactly what Do Not Resuscitate,
No Tube Feeding and No Heroic Measures” mean.

Mom’s path to the orthopedic surgeon’s table wasn’t  a freeway. Her kidney functions were well
below minimums, she was retaining excessive amount of carbon dioxide and worst
of all, there is a serious fatal risk associated ith intubating elderly
patients.

Until my mom’s surgeons explained to me that the diaphragm
muscles begin to atrophy  as soon as they
are not used, I thought breathing was one of the functions controlled by our
reptilian brains. I was wrong. My mom is quite specific in her wishes that she
not be put on ventilator.

Yet my mother is and has always been a force of nature. So,
one week after she broke her hip, she had surgery. The docs used a spinal block
and repaired her hip joint with three really wicked looking screws. She was on
the table a whopping 22 minutes and lost one teaspoon of blood.

Like I said, My mom is a force of nature.

Recovery has been slower than I expected, and my mom is very
weak. In fact she’s so weak she’s not up to rehab—the successful completion of
which should have resulted in her coming home to the addition I built for her
at my home here in Escondido.

The one thing I’ve learned the hard way about caring for an elderly
parent in your home is that caretakers need time off. I’m very burned out from
commutes to and from the hospital and trips to the airport to pick up and drop
off loved ones. I badly need a vacation.

The really Bad news is that tomorrow—after consulting with
her physician and a case worker, I will make a decision about moving my mother
to a skilled nursing  facility in the
hope that she’ll regain enough strength and determination to participate in  rehabilitation therapy.

The path leading to the decision to move my mother into a nursing
home has been difficult. Right up front, it's forced me to honestly look at how
seriously I’m handicapped. Because of the effects of a stroke, I’m very weak in
my left side and have balance problems. 
If I were to bring my now invalid mother home,I’d have to move her out
of a hospital bed and into a wheel chair several times a day, help her shower
and eat.

Honestly, it’s more than I can do. And my decision has left
me disappointed, frustrated and feeling like I’m not the son I should be.I
haven’t blogged about this until now,but I have posted bout my mom’s changed
condition on Facebook.

The response from childhood friends on Facebook to my short
posts made me realize that I’ve made a decision that’s best for my mother and
that I’m not the only Azusa kid now in his Sixties who has faced this conundrum.
In fact I’ve come to realize that growing up in Azusa prepared me for this day
better than I could have ever imagined.

At the end of the day I remain one ofAzusa’s Huck Finns, conquering  one white
fence at a time, with a lot of help from some people I’ve known forever. Jim
Forbes, Escondido, CA, on 09/16/2012.